I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
