so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
