How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
