Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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