Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
