i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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