i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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