Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
