Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
he had hair everywhere except his balls
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
