watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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