Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
