turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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