If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I think your dad took our porno
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize