I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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