I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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