I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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