Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
