I'm eating all of the evidence.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just had sex on a roof
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
