how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
