After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My life is pants optional.
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