Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
