I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
