i just sold back the books i vomitted on
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
