You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
