how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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