Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
