in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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