Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
