I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
