please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
