Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
