Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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