Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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