mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
