I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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