I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I would ride that face into the sunset
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
