The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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