we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
