i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
