I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
