i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
