I'm sorry my penis didn't work
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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