dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
