Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Randomize
