So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
