Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
