okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
