We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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