I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
