The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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