I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
