I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
