just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
