i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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