Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Randomize
