new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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