Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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