im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
