Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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