I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
