So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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