Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
